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For twenty-five years, Positive Discipline has been the gold standard reference for grown-ups working with children. Now Jane Nelsen, distinguished psychologist, educator, and mother of seven, has written a revised and expanded edition. The key to positive discipline is not punishment, she tells us, but mutual respect. Nelsen coaches parents and teachers to be both firm and kind, so that any child from a three-year-old toddler to a rebellious teenager can learn creative cooperation and self-discipline with no loss of dignity. Inside you ll discover how to
- bridge communication gaps
- defuse power struggles
- avoid the dangers of praise
- enforce your message of love
- build on strengths, not weaknesses
- hold children accountable with their self-respect intact
- teach children not what to think but how to think
- win cooperation at home and at school
- meet the special challenge of teen misbehavior
- Sales Rank: #849086 in Books
- Published on: 2008-11-21
- Binding: Audio CD
Most helpful customer reviews
301 of 317 people found the following review helpful.
some good tools, overhyped
By itwasfun
Now that my kids are 13 and 15, and I've referred to the positive parenting books and other approaches for raising kids many times, I wanted to give a review looking back on what's been helpful so far and what hasn't. In short, I agree with the reviewer who said check it out of the library but don't buy it. The good stuff: much of the advice about developing a loving relationship with your kids as the foundation of discipline, listening to them, involving them in decision-making, creating a sense of belonging in the family, avoiding making kids feel bad just to gain temporary control all is good advice. So it's useful to be reminded of these things periodically. The bad stuff: the positive parenting books promote this overzealously, like this is the one and only approach that will always work and any other attempts at discipline, including any negative consequences that parents impose, are bad. Also the books strongly imply that pretty much any misbehavior by kids always comes from lacking a sense of belonging in the home or "discouragement." That is sometimes true, but is an oversimplification. Sometimes your kid doesn't want to brush his teeth because it's basically a boring chore and he'd rather be playing, not because you've failed to create a sense of belonging in the home. And because the ideas in this book about the roots of misbehavior are sometimes off, a lot of the examples are unrealistic, too. Many of them read like: Johnny is hitting his little brother and taking away his toys. Parents give him a positive time-in, explore his sense of discouragement, help him see he could play with his own toys as a positive alternative. Johnny says with a twinkle in his eye "oh right!" and doesn't hit his little brother any more. Yeah, well..... sometimes in real life it works like that, sometimes it doesn't. Another problem I have with this approach is that, like it or not, negative consequences of various kinds are part of life. As a kid, I had neighbors who raised their son very much on positive parenting principles. Where my brother and I would get grounded if we didn't come home by curfew, "Tom" (not real name) would just have a positive time out and a lot of talking about his feelings and why he misbehaved. We used to envy him when we were younger kids. But by adolescence, problems started to show up with Tom. He was the only teenager in the neighborhood to get fired from a local pizzeria, run by a very sweet neighborhood family, b/c he was always showing up late, chatting in the back instead of getting customers their orders, and so on. The owners tried to explain that Tom had a job to do while at work, but Tom kept wanting to explain his reasons for messing up, how he was having a bad day, like he had always done with his parents. The owner was a very nice guy who really enjoyed hiring local kids, but he was running a business. Tom got fired, very much to his shock. The same kind of things happened in high school when he wanted teachers to understand why he turned things in late, etc. It happened later when he got tickets and was in an accident due to speeding and was quite shocked to discover that the legal system, insurance companies, and the laws of physics don't hesitate to impose negative consequences. I think the notion that your kids should never feel bad, implicit throughout these books, made Tom's transition to adulthood much rougher. So I would say: yes, read the positive discipline books. Come back to them occasionally as you raise your kids. But take them with a grain of salt, and incorporate other parenting approaches too.
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
Refreshing
By IAmAbe
My wife wanted me to read this book that she heard about from a friend of hers. It sounded like a good concept from the title, but I was still in the mindset of giving punishments to try changing behavior.
When reading the book, a lot of it made sense and some of it didn't. I disagreed and even objected when I first read about the "cooling off" period because of the way it was presented compared to my past experience being on the other end in a similar situation. This made more sense later as I continued reading though, and it is the way that it is done that matters.
Since starting to read this book, I have been trying to apply principles that I have learned from it as I see opportunities, and I have seen more positive results from its concepts than my previous practices.
I got more out of the book than just helpful information on how to raise children. I believe a lot of these concepts can and should be applied in many areas of life with friends and co-workers as well.
My final thoughts are that I believe all current parents, parents-to-be, teachers, and even managers should read this book to help others be their best. It is a complete 180 from the way it seems that most children are raised, but is ultimately what each of us were likely striving for through giving punishments. What we are striving for is that we want our children to grow up properly, feeling loved and to have success in all areas of life. That is what this book sets out to achieve, and although we all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, I believe if everyone constantly tried applying these techniques in their daily lives, it truly would make our world a better place.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
"A Must Read for Effective Interactions with Children" or "Better Than Off-Brand Tums"
By Holland Rupp
I got this as a required textbook for my child development class and I absolutely loved it. It was an effortless read that left my hi lighter(s) completely dried out from overuse. It is probably one of my favorite non-fiction books, and it's one I still reference with frequency and have even moved cross country with! I have used the methods described in this book in my professional life and have seen tremendous success *especially with special needs children!!!*
It addresses many of the behavioral issues that we (adults and caregivers) are prone to attribute to a child's personality (think "he's a bad kid") or even personal jabs (think "why does my child hate me so much that they would do these things to me?). The book takes an in-depth look at not only why a child is behaving a certain way, but also how to address the child's (understandably) poorly articulated needs which are the crux of behavioral issues. Because of the education it gives on about a child's emotional needs, it offers the reader unique insight that allows them to increase the quality of interactions with children outside of discipline. This holistic approach is why it is incredibly effective. The difference this guide makes would be equivalent to addressing seasickness by simply getting off the boat instead of trying to quell the nausea with moderately helpful off-brand Tums.
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